Monday, February 15, 2010

It's Been Such a Long Time That I've Been without You...

So here's an update on my life as well as my training. I had a few people ask me about being in the Mercedes half-marathon this year, and all I could give were vague answers; however, I have decided to give an explanation in hopes that this info could possibly help someone else who might be struggling or has struggled with these same issues. Basically I gave up on myself a few months ago. I convinced myself that I couldn't complete a half-marathon again, so why even bother trying. I quit running. I quit eating right. I just gave up. A few weeks ago, I began training for a marathon. Two weeks in, I gave up again. Today I started thinking about why I did this. Why am I sabotaging myself? The answer starts about 3 years ago.

I had just completed 2 years of school and decided I wanted to go to a new school. During this transition, my plans kind of fell apart, and I ended up staying home for a semester and going to a local school. I was very down on myself for giving up going to school in Tennessee and closed myself off from everyone. My mom was also in Iraq at the time, so I was living home by myself making it very easy to isolate myself. I cried a lot. I ended up going to a counselor and was diagnosed with mild depression and was put on anti-depressants for 6 months. This actually was one of the best things that ever happened to me. The medicine helped me see life a lot more clearly. See, I'm an irrational person and I always see how things can go wrong, which isn't bad until you see to the extreme degree how things can go wrong. I don't respond well to change, and everything was changing so suddenly. As I was thinking about this time in my life today, I realized why I gave up on running.

Back in May, I started a new job, then moved out on my own. This freedom was much different than the freedom I experienced in college. I became solely responsible for every decision I made. I no longer could rely on someone else to get me through things. Even though I know my family will always be there to help me out, they were no longer my crutch. It's a weird kind of freedom. This major change just rocked my world in a way I didn't expect, and I didn't even realize that's what was going on until this week. I didn't respond well to change. Although I do not think that I'm in the same type of depression as I was 3 years ago, I think there is still something off chemically. Actually I think it's more of a hormonal imbalance that I've always had (sorry if that's too much info). I've decided to go ahead and go to the doctor to see about some options. There is nothing wrong with me, but I could be better. I'm hoping this will help someone out there who might be struggling with the same thing. Life can be hard, and if there's a way to make it a little easier I'm all for it :)

Having said that, I ran 2 miles today and it was wonderful! I'm glad I convinced myself to get back out there.

Congrats to all my friends who ran the Mercedes races this weekend! Ya'll are awesome, and I'm truly jealous that I didn't make it up there to celebrate your finishes and run alongside you.


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