What to do???

I'm at the point in my life where I wake up every day wondering what the heck it is that I'm doing with my life. I have a degree. I'm working on my Master's. I keep thinking that I'm not going to find a job in my field, and I'm not even sure that I want a job in this field anymore anyway. Then I just think...Wow, I've spent so much money and time working on these degrees, and I may never use them. Hmmm. It's slightly depressing, but I just don't know what I want to do. I'm working on my personal trainer certification, and I know that's something I really want to pursue. There's just that nagging voice in my head asking why I'm not using my degree. Ugh. I don't have much left to finish my Master's, so I hate quitting. At the same time, working on it has become a chore rather than something I actually want to do. So do I keep working on it or do I just give up and maybe the passion will come back later? I really just want to help people, and I don't even really care what that looks like. What I mean is that I don't care if that means giving out clothes, food, providing shelter, talking about Jesus, or any number of things. I just want to work with people and make this world a little better. I fear working in a church or parachurch will not get this accomplished even though that should be where most of the giving takes place. The church has just become such a negative place for people. I want to start a ministry that gives to people's basic needs and builds relationships in order to talk to them about Jesus. People are more likely to listen if you show actual interest in their lives and if they see that you actually live what you believe. I guess that kind of gives me a direction. It's just still so broad. Here are the things I'm passionate about: Jesus, children, helping people, exercise, food/nutrition, and education. Now I just have to figure out a job that uses these passions and my gifts and talents. Well, enough of that. I have to get some studying done.

Christa

Week 2, well sort of

So this is week 2 of p90x. Actually I'm kind of starting over...let me explain. Towards the end of last week, I was so sore and tired and pretty much done with p90x, when it hit me that it's ok to take a break. I decided that I would just use last week as a test week to get conditioned to the workouts so I can go hardcore this week. I took 2 days off, which was a great idea. My body had time to rest and recover, and I didn't feel like quitting any longer. When I started over yesterday, I was actually excited about doing the workouts. I now know better which weights to use and how many reps to perform. I do plyometrics tonight, which I dread. I'm not a huge fan of jumping all over the place. Last week when I did this workout, after 10 minutes I wanted to quit, but I kept saying just a few more exercises. After an hour of coaxing myself every 10 minutes, I made it through the entire workout. This was actually the DVD that kicked my butt and made me sore for the rest of the week. I am determined tonight not to get discouraged by this one workout and take more breaks. After all, I have 90 days to be able to fully do the workout, so why am I trying to make that happen right now?

I have also started my half-marathon training for the Mercedes half in February. Between p90x and running and work and school, I have no life...j/k. I'm learning time management and what my priorities are. Well, that's a long enough break. Off to write a paper :)

1 down...89 to go

I just completed day 1 of p90x, and it's definitely going to be a loooong 90 days. Most of you know that I have struggled with weight issues in the past and have lost 50 pounds over the past year and a half. I have become an avid runner and can run various distances. I also weight train and cross train. I thought I was pretty in shape, and I am but p90x kicked my butt on day 1. I did the chest and back and ab workouts today. I knew chest and back would be difficult, but I didn't expect the ab workout to be as tough. I do Pilates and Yoga, so I thought I had a pretty decent core. Ha. The ab workout is 16 minutes of complete toture. By the end, I couldn't do the moves completely, so I was doing everything modified and not doing all the reps. It's just day 1, so I'm hoping by the end that I can complete all the reps in proper form. I'm not discouraged at all, but I really didn't know how difficult it would be. Tomorrow is plyometrics. I do some plyometrics to help with my running, and quite honestly I very much loathe plyometrics. I'm not super excited about a whole workout involving plyometrics, but I'm going to do my best. I'm going to bed with shaky muscles and hoping that I don't hurt too bad tomorrow.

p90x

So it's been quite a while since I have updated, and much has happened. For now, I'm just going to start with the latest development in my life...p90x. I am starting this 90 day journey tonight, and I'm really excited and extremely nervous. I have heard great things about this program, and I really want to achieve amazing results. My problem is that I tend to start these types of programs then get burned out and quit. I am determined to do the full 90 days, though. I'm actually doing it with some co-workers, so we're going to keep each other accountable and possibly meet once a week to motivate each other. I think blogging about the journey will help also. Here's to day 1. I'll let you know how it goes :)

Wanting What I Can't Have

Life seems to be full of many more wants than needs. These wants are typically things we can't have or at least can't have at the moment. I tend to be in this situation quite frequently, then I get what I want and maybe it's not as good, so it gets discarded, then I want it again. I'm left wondering why I do this. For instance, I'm single, and I want to be dating, then I date someone, and I want to be single. Then I realize that I really do want to be with that person, but I can't, which makes it even harder. Why don't I want to want Jesus this much? Why am I constantly seeking after things I can't have and not seeking the thing that I do have? Jesus is saying, "Here I am! You will only find satisfaction and contentment in Me. Why aren't you seeking me? Why are you so distracted by all these wants when you have absolutely everything you need right here in front of you?" So will I surrender to the things of the world or to my Savior?

EEK

The half-marathon is in 4 days, and I'm really excited and pretty nervous. People keep asking my goal time, and I do have one but I really just want to finish. This is the culmination of 8 months of training! Honestly, I'm ready to just run to run without worrying about training. The training has been fun but stressful. It will be nice to just go for a run without worrying about time and distance and all the other variables involved in running. I'm sure this won't last long. I've become pretty competitive about this whole running thing, and I want to improve my times and get better form and everything. I'm sure I'll start training again soon, but for now it will be nice to enjoy these wonderful afternoons by taking a short run with my dog. Stay tuned for the half-marathon running narrative that will commence once it's all over! Please pray for me on Sunday! I'm going to need all the support I can get. If you happen to be downtown Sunday at 7am (and I know you all are, haha) stop by to see those of us who are running!

Late night thoughts

I have had the same discussion with several people today and have yet to come anywhere near a conclusion, and I actually don't know that I will ever come to a conclusion. I have struggled and wrestled with the ideas of Predestination and Free Will ever since I first heard that it was an issue way back in my freshman year of college. Some days, I feel like I have the answer or at least the answer I can live with, but then the next day, it all gets fuzzy and confusing. I know that God does not cause confusion, and perhaps this is an issue thought up by Satan to throw a wrench in every Christian's thought process. I don't actually believe that, but it's my blog and I can say whatever I want! I do believe when discussing this issue with others, it must be out of love and understanding and should never cause division, because Satan could use these types of discussions as a stumbling block.



Having said that...

I believe I have figured out my biggest issue behind predestination. I struggle believing in predestination, because I struggle with God's love for me. In order for God to choose me, he would have to love every dirty part of me. Don't get me wrong, I know God loves me unconditionally, and He loves me despite my sin and filth; however, getting that knowledge from my head to my heart is a constant conflict. Unconditional love is a hard concept for me to grasp, because in my life love has frequently been used as a tool for manipulation. I had to be perfect in order to receive love, which is why I'm a perfectionist and why I work very hard to get people to like me. I also work hard to get God to like and accept me. I know Christianity and salvation is not works based, but it is an issue in my life. I feel more comfortable saying that I chose God the day I was saved than saying that He chose me above someone else to share in the glory of heaven. Why am I more worthy for Heaven and God's graces than someone else? I have several other issues concerning predestination, but the main one seems to be my struggle with God's unconditional love for me. This may not make any sense, but it's something I'm working through with my Savior guiding me.