Friday, February 13, 2009

Wanting What I Can't Have

Life seems to be full of many more wants than needs. These wants are typically things we can't have or at least can't have at the moment. I tend to be in this situation quite frequently, then I get what I want and maybe it's not as good, so it gets discarded, then I want it again. I'm left wondering why I do this. For instance, I'm single, and I want to be dating, then I date someone, and I want to be single. Then I realize that I really do want to be with that person, but I can't, which makes it even harder. Why don't I want to want Jesus this much? Why am I constantly seeking after things I can't have and not seeking the thing that I do have? Jesus is saying, "Here I am! You will only find satisfaction and contentment in Me. Why aren't you seeking me? Why are you so distracted by all these wants when you have absolutely everything you need right here in front of you?" So will I surrender to the things of the world or to my Savior?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


The half-marathon is in 4 days, and I'm really excited and pretty nervous. People keep asking my goal time, and I do have one but I really just want to finish. This is the culmination of 8 months of training! Honestly, I'm ready to just run to run without worrying about training. The training has been fun but stressful. It will be nice to just go for a run without worrying about time and distance and all the other variables involved in running. I'm sure this won't last long. I've become pretty competitive about this whole running thing, and I want to improve my times and get better form and everything. I'm sure I'll start training again soon, but for now it will be nice to enjoy these wonderful afternoons by taking a short run with my dog. Stay tuned for the half-marathon running narrative that will commence once it's all over! Please pray for me on Sunday! I'm going to need all the support I can get. If you happen to be downtown Sunday at 7am (and I know you all are, haha) stop by to see those of us who are running!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Late night thoughts

I have had the same discussion with several people today and have yet to come anywhere near a conclusion, and I actually don't know that I will ever come to a conclusion. I have struggled and wrestled with the ideas of Predestination and Free Will ever since I first heard that it was an issue way back in my freshman year of college. Some days, I feel like I have the answer or at least the answer I can live with, but then the next day, it all gets fuzzy and confusing. I know that God does not cause confusion, and perhaps this is an issue thought up by Satan to throw a wrench in every Christian's thought process. I don't actually believe that, but it's my blog and I can say whatever I want! I do believe when discussing this issue with others, it must be out of love and understanding and should never cause division, because Satan could use these types of discussions as a stumbling block.

Having said that...

I believe I have figured out my biggest issue behind predestination. I struggle believing in predestination, because I struggle with God's love for me. In order for God to choose me, he would have to love every dirty part of me. Don't get me wrong, I know God loves me unconditionally, and He loves me despite my sin and filth; however, getting that knowledge from my head to my heart is a constant conflict. Unconditional love is a hard concept for me to grasp, because in my life love has frequently been used as a tool for manipulation. I had to be perfect in order to receive love, which is why I'm a perfectionist and why I work very hard to get people to like me. I also work hard to get God to like and accept me. I know Christianity and salvation is not works based, but it is an issue in my life. I feel more comfortable saying that I chose God the day I was saved than saying that He chose me above someone else to share in the glory of heaven. Why am I more worthy for Heaven and God's graces than someone else? I have several other issues concerning predestination, but the main one seems to be my struggle with God's unconditional love for me. This may not make any sense, but it's something I'm working through with my Savior guiding me.